one final return...

i am back. again. for the umpteenth time.

but this time, it will be different. it already is different. things are changing - though not physically, yet, but mentally things are changing. i am slowly ridding myself of temptation. i am learning what it is like to be hungry, and be okay with it. now before you go and assume i am embracing an eating disorder, allow me to explain:

before i started this one last attempt at "dieting" about 2 weeks ago, i was never hungry. i was never hungry because i hated the feeling. the emptiness in my stomach that felt like small stabs, and the rumbling of hunger was just too uncomfortable for me to ever allow it. so, i ate too much 3 times a day AND snacked too much in between to eliminate any possibility of the feeling of hunger.

so now, i drink as much water as i can to suppress the hunger pains in between my much-smaller meals, and they really are starting to get better. my stomach is shrinking. i don't have to eat as much to feel satisfied {notice i didn't say full}. i am getting used to the rumbling, meaning i am getting used to eating less. i am getting used to eating what i should be, rather than what my eyes think i should be.

other good changes i've noticed:
* i am saying no to 400+ calorie breakfast items that i used to so easily cave in to.
* i am eating "just enough" for breakfast and lunch AND i am getting some exercise in too
* i am realizing that soda really isn't all that wonderful
* i am craving less junk food

things to still work on:
* dinner - still over-eating on this one every now and then
* my sweet tooth kicks in every now and again - gotta get a handle on that
* not weighing myself so much. i used to weigh every day and it just wasn't healthy or helpful. it's too discouraging because of the ups and downs of water weight. i need to weigh myself once a month.

so there's the update on my progress. more to come.

you gain some you lose some...

so this morning just before my shower i decided to dust off the old scale and see how my relationship with gravity was going. i took those two steps with about 60% confidence, 30% uncertainty. that's a pretty "confident" ratio for me... so needless to say i expected good numbers...

but alas, i was wrong. i had actually gained back all 5 lbs i had previously lost. i felt defeated, and went about my shower.

after intense thought {which is what we do in the shower, right?} i decided i hadn't been defeated just yet. i needed more proof. i have been feeling better about my body and my clothes have all been fitting more loosly, so i decided to measure myself as well to just confirm that this was actual gain.

and then something weird happened.

i lost inches.

my legs, my hips, my waist... everything. smaller. just as i had been back when i was 5 lbs lighter.

water weight?

muscle gain?

i'm not sure what it is, but at least that small victory in inches has kept my motivation alive for another week of running.

sunday hike...

last sunday i went for a hike with a few friends, and let me just say it was a GREAT workout. it was a little less hiking, a little more rock hopping/climbing. it was great because my arms got a workout too... as well as my abs because when you hike with friends, you're bound to laugh a bit. we climbed to a spot that had these beautiful punch bowls and a small waterfall which people would slide down. i unfortunately opted out of the slide, but next time i'm definitely doing it!!

Joe was the fearless one in our group that tried it...

now that i'm signed up for the North Face 10K in december, i definitely want to do this hike at least once a week!! i'll take incline training anywhere i can get it!!

workout update...

i've been on a very good running schedule. i run about 2.5 - 3 miles almost every day. i can see a serious improvement in my legs and just feel a little bit better when i wear certain things. i was doing an amazing job with the running when BAM... a nasty cold, followed by stomach flu, followed by moving to a new apartment happened. a solid two weeks of minimal working out went by and i lost my momentum.

as of this week i am officially back in the saddle, and ready to get this running going again. even more exciting news: I AM OFFICIALLY SIGNED UP FOR THE NORTH FACE 10K in SAN FRAN!!!!

there's some motivation if i ever needed it. 6.2 miles, 1000 ft elevation gain. here we go!!!!

so, i'm back to blogging on the skinny diaries.

Operation: Re-invention

I've decided that it is finally time for a re-invention. I am going to change everything about me to be a little bit more ME... if that makes any sense.

You see, I've been dyeing my hair blonde when clearly I am anything but. My roots tell me so every 5 weeks... I also have been trying to dress a certain way and be a certain way, and at some point along the way I think I lost track of who I really am. So, I am going to try this again. I am going to have my hair dyed my natural color, and I'm going to let all the color grow out. I am going to embrace my ashy hair color and love it. {I am also going to love not having a hefty hair expense every other month}

All hair aside, I am also really going to try to drink much much less. One drink when I go out. I wan tto be less of a lush and more of a class act. I will volunteer to be the designated driver most times and learn to have fun just being myself... rather than under any inlfuences.

I am also going to continue my new fitness regime. I have been working out about 5 days a week and some of those days are double workouts. I can see the difference in the tone of my body already and it's been only 3 weeks. But really my main goal is to just treat my body with more respect. I just want to look healthy and fit... I will update my progress here as much as I can. Hopefully daily.

a new beginning...

so, it's been two weeks since boyfriend and i broke up. i am hurting still, but it is for the best. the emotions will always be there, regardless of who initiated the end.

one good sign that is coming out of all of this is i am finding myself attracted to other people already. which makes me excited, and very very nervous. i am not yet physically ready to be single. i don't feel sexy or confident, and you kind of need those things to attract other people in my experience. i was lucky enough to find boyfriend even though i was nowhere near my goal weight. next time i will not let this happen. i need to feel comfortable in my own skin, and it starts now.

i will be working out at the gym 4-5 days a week... and hopefully someday when my finances are in better order, i will be joining Crossfit with my friends... i can't think of a better opportunity to get in shape and possibly meet new people in the process.

so here we go... 26 years old. single. and starting over.

the sick diet...

every time i get any type of stomach bug, i lose a ton of weight. i think because whenever my stomach doesn't feel right, i just refuse to put anything into it. and then i shrink....

two days ago i got a stomach ache, and have eaten very little the past few days. i didn't get sick ever, i just felt like i was going to get sick... so i got to thinking: what if i kept this up? what if i just kept eating like i had a stomach bug? perhaps this has some relevance in my dieting.

the problem is, once the stomach ache goes away, the hunger returns. and hunger changes everything. maybe if i get my stomach used to this little amount of food, i will get used to it, and the hunger won't be so bad.

a fun little experiment.