and I'm sick of saying that... typing that... thinking that.
today i am going shopping for one pair of jeans... ina size 8, and by summertime, i will fit into them. this time i mean it. i have been telling myself that i'm trying, and i have been working out, but it's all been in my head. i'm not trying that hard. i still eat what i want in somewhat of a moderation, but i eat as much as a man which is why i weigh as much as a man.
today is the day i stop fooling myself into believing i am ok where i'm at. last night i broke down in front of my boyfriend. i hadn't done this in a while – not even when alone in my room on the scale, or in the shower. i hadn't had that moment of reality for months... even years. but last night i called myself disgusting, fat, blubbery, gross... all those names i used to call myself when i was 160 lbs in high school. last night was a terrible breakdown, but the positive i can get out of it is that i quit accepting my weight and my looks and decided i wasn't where i wanted to be. i want to be a size 8 again... that's only 2 sizes smaller than now. it's about 20 lbs. that would be a tremendous start.
so, after my first breakdown in years, i'm on my way.... on my way to a size 8 and being proud of the way i look.