so, it's been two weeks since boyfriend and i broke up. i am hurting still, but it is for the best. the emotions will always be there, regardless of who initiated the end.
one good sign that is coming out of all of this is i am finding myself attracted to other people already. which makes me excited, and very very nervous. i am not yet physically ready to be single. i don't feel sexy or confident, and you kind of need those things to attract other people in my experience. i was lucky enough to find boyfriend even though i was nowhere near my goal weight. next time i will not let this happen. i need to feel comfortable in my own skin, and it starts now.
i will be working out at the gym 4-5 days a week... and hopefully someday when my finances are in better order, i will be joining Crossfit with my friends... i can't think of a better opportunity to get in shape and possibly meet new people in the process.
so here we go... 26 years old. single. and starting over.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
the sick diet...
every time i get any type of stomach bug, i lose a ton of weight. i think because whenever my stomach doesn't feel right, i just refuse to put anything into it. and then i shrink....
two days ago i got a stomach ache, and have eaten very little the past few days. i didn't get sick ever, i just felt like i was going to get sick... so i got to thinking: what if i kept this up? what if i just kept eating like i had a stomach bug? perhaps this has some relevance in my dieting.
the problem is, once the stomach ache goes away, the hunger returns. and hunger changes everything. maybe if i get my stomach used to this little amount of food, i will get used to it, and the hunger won't be so bad.
a fun little experiment.
two days ago i got a stomach ache, and have eaten very little the past few days. i didn't get sick ever, i just felt like i was going to get sick... so i got to thinking: what if i kept this up? what if i just kept eating like i had a stomach bug? perhaps this has some relevance in my dieting.
the problem is, once the stomach ache goes away, the hunger returns. and hunger changes everything. maybe if i get my stomach used to this little amount of food, i will get used to it, and the hunger won't be so bad.
a fun little experiment.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Food log: 2/24/2011
Breakfast:
instant oatmeal: 14012 oz caramel macciato: 110
smarties: 75
lunch:
subway club w/ avocado and chipotle sauce: 480baked lays: 140
lunch workout: -325
total: 620
update: February 2011
i have nothing.
as usual.
and I'm sick of saying that... typing that... thinking that.
today i am going shopping for one pair of jeans... ina size 8, and by summertime, i will fit into them. this time i mean it. i have been telling myself that i'm trying, and i have been working out, but it's all been in my head. i'm not trying that hard. i still eat what i want in somewhat of a moderation, but i eat as much as a man which is why i weigh as much as a man.
today is the day i stop fooling myself into believing i am ok where i'm at. last night i broke down in front of my boyfriend. i hadn't done this in a while – not even when alone in my room on the scale, or in the shower. i hadn't had that moment of reality for months... even years. but last night i called myself disgusting, fat, blubbery, gross... all those names i used to call myself when i was 160 lbs in high school. last night was a terrible breakdown, but the positive i can get out of it is that i quit accepting my weight and my looks and decided i wasn't where i wanted to be. i want to be a size 8 again... that's only 2 sizes smaller than now. it's about 20 lbs. that would be a tremendous start.
so, after my first breakdown in years, i'm on my way.... on my way to a size 8 and being proud of the way i look.
I'm serious this time.
as usual.
and I'm sick of saying that... typing that... thinking that.
today i am going shopping for one pair of jeans... ina size 8, and by summertime, i will fit into them. this time i mean it. i have been telling myself that i'm trying, and i have been working out, but it's all been in my head. i'm not trying that hard. i still eat what i want in somewhat of a moderation, but i eat as much as a man which is why i weigh as much as a man.
today is the day i stop fooling myself into believing i am ok where i'm at. last night i broke down in front of my boyfriend. i hadn't done this in a while – not even when alone in my room on the scale, or in the shower. i hadn't had that moment of reality for months... even years. but last night i called myself disgusting, fat, blubbery, gross... all those names i used to call myself when i was 160 lbs in high school. last night was a terrible breakdown, but the positive i can get out of it is that i quit accepting my weight and my looks and decided i wasn't where i wanted to be. i want to be a size 8 again... that's only 2 sizes smaller than now. it's about 20 lbs. that would be a tremendous start.
so, after my first breakdown in years, i'm on my way.... on my way to a size 8 and being proud of the way i look.
I'm serious this time.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Just a journal entry...
although i haven't lost any weight yet, i am starting to see a difference in my daily habits, which is a sign that my motivation is slowly making a return.
i have stopped srinking diet soda, and started drinks a TON of water - for me. i am drinking about 50 - 60 ounces of water a day {about 3 regular bottles}. to some people, that is nothing. to me, that is a huge milestone. drinking water has always been hard for me, but when i think about the benefits of your organs being hydrated, as well as your skin feeling more supple, and having more energy for workouts, i think the water switch is making a difference. sure i'll have soda here and there, but now it's a treat, not a staple.
i still need to work on the wholewrking out thing. i work out here and there, but its very sporratic. i haven't fallen into a good routine yet. i'm hoping once this horrible allergy flare up, and me having the stomach flue is over, i can get back in the gym and stick to a workout plan.
i need to stop snacking. i started tracking my daily food intake again, and this time i'm being honest. this is also a step for me... since i used to leave out the pack of smarties or handful of cashews i ate in the afternoon. those calories add up to a meal if you eat without thinking. it's only been a few days, and i have still had a few packs of smarties, but i'm getting better, and i'm tracking everything. i plan to get better and better each week.
i keep thinking about my friend Rebecca. she's super thin andin shape, and shes had a baby. because of her knees, she can only walk, yet she still manages to stay in shape. i want to keep this in mind while i'm working out. as long as i eat like i'm not working out, i can do less strenuous excercises and still be successful. i just have to keep my eye on my plate and make sure i don't go over my calories. it's a lot harder to achieve without workouts, but i know i can do it.
that's all for now. just a random journal entry.
i have stopped srinking diet soda, and started drinks a TON of water - for me. i am drinking about 50 - 60 ounces of water a day {about 3 regular bottles}. to some people, that is nothing. to me, that is a huge milestone. drinking water has always been hard for me, but when i think about the benefits of your organs being hydrated, as well as your skin feeling more supple, and having more energy for workouts, i think the water switch is making a difference. sure i'll have soda here and there, but now it's a treat, not a staple.
i still need to work on the wholewrking out thing. i work out here and there, but its very sporratic. i haven't fallen into a good routine yet. i'm hoping once this horrible allergy flare up, and me having the stomach flue is over, i can get back in the gym and stick to a workout plan.
i need to stop snacking. i started tracking my daily food intake again, and this time i'm being honest. this is also a step for me... since i used to leave out the pack of smarties or handful of cashews i ate in the afternoon. those calories add up to a meal if you eat without thinking. it's only been a few days, and i have still had a few packs of smarties, but i'm getting better, and i'm tracking everything. i plan to get better and better each week.
i keep thinking about my friend Rebecca. she's super thin andin shape, and shes had a baby. because of her knees, she can only walk, yet she still manages to stay in shape. i want to keep this in mind while i'm working out. as long as i eat like i'm not working out, i can do less strenuous excercises and still be successful. i just have to keep my eye on my plate and make sure i don't go over my calories. it's a lot harder to achieve without workouts, but i know i can do it.
that's all for now. just a random journal entry.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I feel horrible right now...
I have completely failed myself.
I have gained 10 pounds in the last year, and I am completely ashamed of myself. I know what my problem is, I eat too much. By why? WHY? Why do I feel this constant urge to eat like a starving animal? Whenever I look at my skinny friends who so often skip meals or pass up a plate of french fries, I ask myself, "why am I not like that? Why don't I have this careless relationship with meals? Why can't I stop worrying about food like them?"
I have some major habits to break. I am working on them. But I just worry that this struggle with food is going to be a lifelong issue I won't be able to completely shake. Ignorance is one of my major issues with diets. I ignore the little things I eat that add up to majpr calories at the end of the day... and that is how I got to this weight.
Ignorance is NOT bliss.
I have gained 10 pounds in the last year, and I am completely ashamed of myself. I know what my problem is, I eat too much. By why? WHY? Why do I feel this constant urge to eat like a starving animal? Whenever I look at my skinny friends who so often skip meals or pass up a plate of french fries, I ask myself, "why am I not like that? Why don't I have this careless relationship with meals? Why can't I stop worrying about food like them?"
I have some major habits to break. I am working on them. But I just worry that this struggle with food is going to be a lifelong issue I won't be able to completely shake. Ignorance is one of my major issues with diets. I ignore the little things I eat that add up to majpr calories at the end of the day... and that is how I got to this weight.
Ignorance is NOT bliss.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The DON'T list
This post is mostly for myself, but feel free to read about what I'm deciding to eliminate from my diet and life. These are all the NO NO's for my quest to fit into my skinny jeans...
1. Fast Food be gone.
Boyfriend is a pretty big influence on the fast food. I would never typically go myself, unless it was VERY late and I hadn't eaten all day. But I am officially vowing to NEVER eat at a fast food chain... unless I'm buying a diet coke or water. McDonalds McMuffin, I will miss you.
2. NO to the chips.
I have a serious weakness for the chips. If I show up to a party and there is a chips and dip table, you can guess where I set up camp for the evening. Those darn chips have got to go, cuz carrots and raw veggies are movin' in...
3. Pulling the sweet tooth.
Desserts are also one of my vices. I have a serious sweet tooth and crave chocolate almost every afternoon. Candy, cake, ice cream, pastries, and sugary-loaded foods are being pulled from my menu. Those sugar-free, special K, fiber-loaded energy bars just might be my saving grace.
4. Adios, dearest fried food.
French fries had moved out of my life when I was younger, but they've crept back on my go-to list of devilish sides. I need to dump the fries, and maybe I'll be able to dump my "big jeans" too...
5. Less TV, more sweat.
I am a bonified couch potato who used to be an athlete. I allow myself to get to the point where I don't feel an ounce of guilt for sitting on the couch and watching TV, even though I've been in a cubicle all day. I need to get to the point again where I start panicking a little bit if I haven't broken a sweat for 30 minutes that day.... I've joined a gym now, and this has already gone into effect, but I definitely want to keep it a priority.
Ok, there are some basic rules to live by for the time being. I didn't want to make too many to start... it's all about the baby steps.
1. Fast Food be gone.
Boyfriend is a pretty big influence on the fast food. I would never typically go myself, unless it was VERY late and I hadn't eaten all day. But I am officially vowing to NEVER eat at a fast food chain... unless I'm buying a diet coke or water. McDonalds McMuffin, I will miss you.
2. NO to the chips.
I have a serious weakness for the chips. If I show up to a party and there is a chips and dip table, you can guess where I set up camp for the evening. Those darn chips have got to go, cuz carrots and raw veggies are movin' in...
3. Pulling the sweet tooth.
Desserts are also one of my vices. I have a serious sweet tooth and crave chocolate almost every afternoon. Candy, cake, ice cream, pastries, and sugary-loaded foods are being pulled from my menu. Those sugar-free, special K, fiber-loaded energy bars just might be my saving grace.
4. Adios, dearest fried food.
French fries had moved out of my life when I was younger, but they've crept back on my go-to list of devilish sides. I need to dump the fries, and maybe I'll be able to dump my "big jeans" too...
5. Less TV, more sweat.
I am a bonified couch potato who used to be an athlete. I allow myself to get to the point where I don't feel an ounce of guilt for sitting on the couch and watching TV, even though I've been in a cubicle all day. I need to get to the point again where I start panicking a little bit if I haven't broken a sweat for 30 minutes that day.... I've joined a gym now, and this has already gone into effect, but I definitely want to keep it a priority.
Ok, there are some basic rules to live by for the time being. I didn't want to make too many to start... it's all about the baby steps.
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