Sometimes a little downtime is all you need

Sometimes a girl just needs a day off from working out. 

Sometimes she needs a little Tom Yum soup from her favorite Thai restaurant with some of her favorite coworkers.

Sometimes the sun doesn't come out on Friday, making the idea of swimming in a cold outdoor pool the LAST thing I want to do.

Sometimes I don't eat enough greens, or drink enough water.

Sometimes a little downtime is just what the doctor ordered.

Yes, I took today off from working out. Yes, some people think no days off is the only way.... well, 'round here I take a day off if my body is feeling fatigued and sluggish. I worked out 4 days this week, and tomorrow I will workout again... 

{selfie photo of me in my new nike throwback shirt.... gotta love new workout clothes!}

Body Image

In the past few days I've noticed a lot of people writing on their blogs about body image. Women, of course. Beautiful women who are uncomfortable in a body I am trying to obtain... isn't that silly?

Aren't we all just so silly?

I read these posts shaking my head.... How can these women think they're undesirable, overweight, chubby, too big for a bikini - or the worst one - dreading having to wear the "mom suit" at the beach. That one hits me on a personal level.... because I'm not a mom, but I cover my body with what these women deem a "mom suit" - they are afraid of looking like me.

ouch.

Talk about a sucker punch to my ego - not that it was their intention, but what I dont think women realize is that if they are in the "normal" weight range on those god-awful BMI charts, they have absolutely nothing to complain about. (fun fact: I am in the morbidly obese range because of my height, yet I am capable of 5K mud runs, swimming and boot camp workouts 4-5 days a week - those BMI charts are bullshit) These women don't see that they are completely normal, beautiful in fact, and that they should rock the hell out of that bikini, and nobody is going to judge them otherwise.

I see this pattern, mainly in the naturally thin women. These women had it easy growing up. They could eat all they wanted and not gain an ounce, while chubby-little-mess Erin had to sit in the corner wishing she could have that ice cream they were eating. I've never been thin, I've been unhealthy trying to be thin, but it's just not in the cards for me, and I get that. But when these bloggers type their woes on their blogs about their struggles with the 15 lbs they can't seem to shed to get back to their High School weight (are you effing kidding me?), I have little pity for them. I have been eating salads my whole adult life to look like these women do AT THEIR HEAVIEST, and they don't see that their insecurities hurt other people. Love your body, please.

I just wish this body image pandemic would be laid to rest. I know it will be an ongoing struggle, with fashion and advertising rubbing skinny 15 year olds in our faces the rest of our lives, but can we at least try? Can we just love our bodies for as long as they answer to us and give us what we ask? Movement, life, the ability to run, swim, hike, surf, play sports.....

Is it too much to ask for that?

one final return...

i am back. again. for the umpteenth time.

but this time, it will be different. it already is different. things are changing - though not physically, yet, but mentally things are changing. i am slowly ridding myself of temptation. i am learning what it is like to be hungry, and be okay with it. now before you go and assume i am embracing an eating disorder, allow me to explain:

before i started this one last attempt at "dieting" about 2 weeks ago, i was never hungry. i was never hungry because i hated the feeling. the emptiness in my stomach that felt like small stabs, and the rumbling of hunger was just too uncomfortable for me to ever allow it. so, i ate too much 3 times a day AND snacked too much in between to eliminate any possibility of the feeling of hunger.

so now, i drink as much water as i can to suppress the hunger pains in between my much-smaller meals, and they really are starting to get better. my stomach is shrinking. i don't have to eat as much to feel satisfied {notice i didn't say full}. i am getting used to the rumbling, meaning i am getting used to eating less. i am getting used to eating what i should be, rather than what my eyes think i should be.

other good changes i've noticed:
* i am saying no to 400+ calorie breakfast items that i used to so easily cave in to.
* i am eating "just enough" for breakfast and lunch AND i am getting some exercise in too
* i am realizing that soda really isn't all that wonderful
* i am craving less junk food

things to still work on:
* dinner - still over-eating on this one every now and then
* my sweet tooth kicks in every now and again - gotta get a handle on that
* not weighing myself so much. i used to weigh every day and it just wasn't healthy or helpful. it's too discouraging because of the ups and downs of water weight. i need to weigh myself once a month.

so there's the update on my progress. more to come.

a new beginning...

so, it's been two weeks since boyfriend and i broke up. i am hurting still, but it is for the best. the emotions will always be there, regardless of who initiated the end.

one good sign that is coming out of all of this is i am finding myself attracted to other people already. which makes me excited, and very very nervous. i am not yet physically ready to be single. i don't feel sexy or confident, and you kind of need those things to attract other people in my experience. i was lucky enough to find boyfriend even though i was nowhere near my goal weight. next time i will not let this happen. i need to feel comfortable in my own skin, and it starts now.

i will be working out at the gym 4-5 days a week... and hopefully someday when my finances are in better order, i will be joining Crossfit with my friends... i can't think of a better opportunity to get in shape and possibly meet new people in the process.

so here we go... 26 years old. single. and starting over.

I feel horrible right now...

I have completely failed myself.
I have gained 10 pounds in the last year, and I am completely ashamed of myself. I know what my problem is, I eat too much. By why? WHY? Why do I feel this constant urge to eat like a starving animal? Whenever I look at my skinny friends who so often skip meals or pass up a plate of french fries, I ask myself, "why am I not like that? Why don't I have this careless relationship with meals? Why can't I stop worrying about food like them?"

I have some major habits to break. I am working on them. But I just worry that this struggle with food is going to be a lifelong issue I won't be able to completely shake. Ignorance is one of my major issues with diets. I ignore the little things I eat that add up to majpr calories at the end of the day... and that is how I got to this weight.

Ignorance is NOT bliss.

The worst mistake

So last night I was walking my dog around the block when it happend.

My dog was sniffing a bush as I was standing, not thinking someone was watching me at all, therefor I was not thinking about my posture or 'sucking it in' at all...

A woman walks by and asks, "how's your baby?"
A little confused, I asked, "you mean my dog? She's good."
Now pointing to my stomach, "No, your baby! How far along are you?"
My response, "Oh, I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat that way..."
Lady: "Oh dear." as she briskly walked away in embarrassment.

Oh. my. god. Seriously? I was feeling really good about myself that day too.

Nothing like the 'worst mistake ever' to ruin your excercise mojo... ugh.

I read somewhere . . .

 . . . That 70% of weight loss is influenced by diet, 

and 30% is influenced by exercise.

I totally believe this is true. Why?

Because when I work out really really hard... I only lose a pound or two.

Then I stop working out really really hard, and I only gain a pound or two.

My only consistency in this so-called diet is my eating habits... 

As much as I'd like to say I eat healthy, the truth is: I eat pretty badly... 

Somewhere along the line my food conscience {you know, the little person in your head that tells you 'you shouldn't be eating that'} fell asleep or went on vacation and never came back. Or maybe it's on hawaiian time... and doesn't get to tell me I SHOULDN'T until 3 hours after I DID.

The only time I tell my self that's a bad idea, is after I've already eaten it... This is something I'm trying to work on... eating only the good stuff. Snacking on only the good stuff. WANTING only the good stuff.
** and by 'good' I mean healthy  : )

Someday...

What Makes Me Eat?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About what makes me eat, and why I feel like I'm 'hungry' all the time. I've looked at my lifestyle changes over the last few years and, well, I've finally found the root of my problem...

When I was in college, every day was different. I was driving a lot from here to there, going to class, going to photo shoots, working as a waitress, and sat at my desk for only a few hours each day. I had little to no time to think about food or snacking. Food was NOT a priority. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. Of course I was eating healthy and watching calories too. I was also working out (probably an equal amount as I am now).

Now that I'm working in a corporate office, every day is the same. I'm driving to and from the same place, and sitting on my ever-growing butt for 8 hours, and I am constantly putting things in my mouth regardless if I'm hungry or not. I'm bored almost all the time, and because of that, I constantly think about food and the next thing I'm going to eat.

The diagnosis? -- I am unfulfilled with my career and my job situation, so I fulfill my emptiness with the most convenient thing - FOOD. Because I am chained to my desk for 8 hours, my freedom and activities are VERY limited, and it makes me feel trapped. So I eat my frustrations, which ironically, just creates more frustrations.

"Many people feel emotionally empty for one reason or another, and more often than not, food is the most convenient thing that comforts them."


Luckily I am working on a new career path, which will give me a lot more freedom and movement, which will remove me from cubicle life, and allow me to focus MORE on my CRAFT and LESS on EATING everything in sight.

weekend recap

well, I'm a little ashamed to say that i completely forgot I was on a diet this weekend. Not just a little forgetfulness, I completely ignored ALL rules to my diet. It was terrible. There was wine, chips, chocolate, cheese, big meals, BBQ steak, sushi... 

ugh. 

I'm so sad right now. 

I even had the nerve to weigh myself this morning.

Not a single pound difference. I weigh the exact same as last week.

Which, in hindsight, is better than it could be I suppose. I didn't gain anything.

But I need to address the real issue here: 

I keep sabotaging my progress.

Why do I keep sabotaging my diet? Why can't I seem to care enough about this to avoid temptation and stick to my rules and guidelines? Why doesn't it matter as much as food?

I need to psych myself out again. Get myself pumped. I need to think about the end result every single time I put a greasy chip or delicious snack in my hand. Think about trying on jeans in a smaller size. Think about throwing out all the clothes that are "too big" to wear. Think about hearing people say "you've lost weight!" I need to think about the results. Because without the prize in sight, I'll keep going around and around this evil circle. 

What motivates you?

Two Steps Back

Today, I'm feeling a little disgruntled, frustrated and defeated. Though I know I will not give up, there just always seems to be a pothole in the road that you don't see, or you pretend you don't see.
Allow me to clarify: I got a new scale yesterday. I noticed on the F2F Challenge everyone was using nice digital scales, and I thought, hey, I should probably run with the pack on this one and ditch my ancient antique of a scale and get a digital one. My digital scale is really nice, and works great.

Almost too great, actually.

Turns out, my ancient scale was nicer to me than I thought. My ancient scale told me I was in between 174 - 176. {The red hand never really stopped shaking in between those numbers - as I said before: ancient scale} While my NEW scale tells me I am actually 177.2 -- lovely. A whole 2 pounds more than I thought I had to lose. At least I know the truth right?

So today, I am making adjustments to all my stats and buttons. Joy.

Making the Switch - Part 1

So throughout this blog, I will be posting about changes in my eating habits.
I have alot of daily eating rituals that I want to document and eventually change or eliminate. Documenting them on this blog will be a daily reminder of all the things I used to do that kept me from being the healthy person I wanted to be.

Switch #1: afternoon pick-me-up

OLD: Starbucks Iced Caramel Macchiato {nonfat}

270 calories

NEW: Starbucks Iced Passion tea, 1/2 the sweetner

80 calories

calories saved: 190

{that's equivalent to 17 minutes on the elliptical, in ONE drink!}

The Revelation . . .

Here's a funny {and embarrassing} little story of how I realized I'd truly lost my fit/healthy self:

My boyfriend's uncle was in town and decided he wanted to take us out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Awesome. I loved this restaurant. The only problem? I wasn't informed of this outing until after I'd arrived at his house... in sweatpants.

After realizing we were leaving in about 20 minutes I made a mad dash to the local $25 and under clothing store. This quickly prompted a mini meltdown in the dressing room over NOTHING fitting me properly. I accepted my defeat and walked out empty-handed knowing I would have to go to the restaurant in sweats, and I really didn't want to do that.

Only trying to be helpful, my boyfriend then offers his jeans for me to wear. Under normal circumstances this would have been a cool idea. Optimistically, I thought, 'I could be the slender girlfriend wearing her boyfriend's baggy jeans and a cute fitted tee...'

But reality came and slapped me out of my daydream and right back into the real world. The idea of trying on my boyfriends jeans immediately turned into an internal panic attack, 'what if they don't even fit me? After all, I am the overweight girlfriend desperately attempting to conceal the knowledge that she weighs the SAME as her boyfriend and would absolutely DIE to have him realize his jeans don't fit her.'

We got back to his apartment and he draped some jeans out on the couch. I looked at them with an awkward look on my face that apparently read in his mind that they were ugly -- which in a way, I was trying to do. I thought, 'if I make it seem like I don't like the style, I won't have to try them on'. He then said the dreaded words, "those are the biggest ones I own."

Oh, really? The BIGGEST ones? Awesome. 

I know sometimes guys don't even realize the things they say have the sharpest thorns, but this one hit me dead in the stomach. Obviously the concealment of my size and weight has failed miserably. I have not fooled my boyfriend.... {Did I really think I WAS fooling him to begin with?}

I left my pride bleeding on the floor as we walked out the door towards the restaurant.

I wore sweatpants... and ordered a salad.

Hurdles and Measurements!

If you think I'm about to talk about that sport with fast runners and high jumpers in Track and Field that they show on the Olympics, think again. I'm talking about the Diet Olympics, and lets just say, I've got a ton of hurdles that I need training for... So, let's just focus on the BIG ones for now:

Whether I am on a diet or not I don't think 'making good choices' in food is my big issue. I can make good choices all day long... Which also means I could eat, all day long. I love to graze. I graze at my desk, at lunch, and at home. Its not enough that I'm making the right choices because I could be having an apple with peanut butter for a snack, but then I'll have carrots and hummus, then a few slices of cheese... adding that up, that would be a meal.

This is my biggest hurdle. GRAZING. 

Grazing is what sends me over my caloric limit each day, which is why I have been stuck at my current weight. The grazing needs to stop. I need to allow myself one snack in between meals, not six.

Another hurdle I have, which is probably my second biggest hurdle, is my weakness for sugar. I seriously LOVE chocolate and anything baked with sugar and butter. I have a very hard time resisting cookies, brownies, and candy in a lovely little dish. If i walk into a house with a candy dish on the coffee table it takes every ounce of strength not to bury my fingers in that bowl... which is embarrassing, but the truth.

So there... my two biggest hurdles to be conquered. Out in the open. I'm ready to be rid of them. You know what else I am ready to be rid of? INCHES. I'd like to get rid of these inches on my body. 

So, without further ado... here are my .... {deep breath}.... my MEASUREMENTS:

Height: 5'4"

Waist: 37"

Hips: 41.5"

Chest: 38"

Arms: 13"

Thighs: 21.5"

memories of a thinner time

Here's a little look into why I'm doing this...


Back in my college days, when I was at the tender age of 19, my family and I went to Hawaii for a week in the summertime. This was a little family tradition we had every summer. We went on a family vacation to Hawaii. When I was much younger, I absolutely loved going to Hawaii for so many reasons: the sun, being in a bathing suit 24/7, the warm ocean, and most importantly, the food. Growing up, eating was pretty much my favorite sport. I loved food, and going out to restaurants... which led me to my infamous chubbiness as a kid.

But by the time I was in college, unlike today, I had full control of my eating habits, and weighed 139 lbs --- i know right? I had a very strict exercise regime and a long list of foods that simply weren't allowed to be touched. These foods included anything fried or fatty, candy, chips, cheese, whole milk, soda, and desserts. Those were completely off limits. My diet was incredibly effective... especially the part where I was only eating about 1000 calories a day, and burning about 700 calories during workouts. {sheesh}

My last family vacation to Hawaii was a very memorable experience. It was the first Hawaii trip where food was NOT my main attraction. While everyone was eating eggs benedict, waffles & syrup, cheeseburgers, shrimp scampi, bread and butter, and macadamia-crusted mahi mahi, I was having a salad with chicken & light dressing, iced water, and bran muffins and fruit.
No fried stuff, no fattening stuff. I was also running on the beach every morning to burn off the healthy calories I was eating too.

On that week-long vacation to Hawaii, I LOST 5 pounds.
That's how disciplined I was.

I can't help but wonder now, what the heck happened to that healthy me? How did all of my rules and good eating habits fly right out the window? How on earth did I allow those 40 pounds I worked so hard to lose crawl right back on my body? 40 pounds. Wow... guess I didn't realize how much that really was until now.   : (


I guess I have to look at the small details. Because in the big picture, the grand scheme of things, I am still the same person I was back then. I guess I just cared more about what I shoved in my mouth and how hard I worked out. I cared so much that I gave up so many of my favorite things... and I was happy to get on the scale, and go shopping, and sit up straight on the beach... in a two piece... with people around!!! Where did I go? What event(s) led me to not care anymore?


I am finally coming to terms with many of my issues. I know why I'm not losing weight. I eat too much for my body size. I need to find that path back to my old self. The self that didn't flinch when there were chips and dip on the table, and just looking at fries with ranch made me sick. I need to find a way to become that girl again.


I guess understanding my problem is the first step to finding the old me. It's all about the babysteps...