Confession Post

Just some random thoughts about my struggle to lose 
anything the past few weeks . . . 

I haven't been following my diet rules very well. Blame it on stress, blame it on my busy schedule {which I brought upon myself}, or blame my lack of motivation.

I give up way too easily. If i get on the scale and see no improvement, I get discouraged, throw my hands up in the air and think, what's the point! It's hard to figure out why eating fewer calories and healthier options, and adding exercise to the mix do nothing to help you lose weight. It's as if the scale tells you that's not good enough, when you feel like you've done everything you could do with what time you had.

It is also hard for me to see a loss of 0.2 after two weeks of busting my butt and worrying constantly about calories and exercise... and then to see that - 0.2 turn into +1 three days later!!! How is it so easy to gain weight, and so darn hard to lose a measly pound???!!!

I have a hard time with the calories I'm allotted for the day. Somehow, some way I manage to always go over... maybe by 60 calories, sometimes by 100 calories. But regardless, I'm STILL eating LESS than I was before... so what gives?

My mind is all over the place lately... I am so busy running from one thing to another, from work to class, worrying about homework and work projects, due dates, scheduling conflicts, meetings... there's just so much on my plate right now, and I'm really stressed out. Maybe that's it. STRESS. I know on Biggest Loser they make a big deal out of stress being the enemy of weight loss, and boy am I a stress basket right now...

I have 30 pounds to lose, and I am struggling with 1 friggin pound... what the heck am I going to do with myself???

Anyone else out there having the same struggles?

What Makes Me Eat?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About what makes me eat, and why I feel like I'm 'hungry' all the time. I've looked at my lifestyle changes over the last few years and, well, I've finally found the root of my problem...

When I was in college, every day was different. I was driving a lot from here to there, going to class, going to photo shoots, working as a waitress, and sat at my desk for only a few hours each day. I had little to no time to think about food or snacking. Food was NOT a priority. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. Of course I was eating healthy and watching calories too. I was also working out (probably an equal amount as I am now).

Now that I'm working in a corporate office, every day is the same. I'm driving to and from the same place, and sitting on my ever-growing butt for 8 hours, and I am constantly putting things in my mouth regardless if I'm hungry or not. I'm bored almost all the time, and because of that, I constantly think about food and the next thing I'm going to eat.

The diagnosis? -- I am unfulfilled with my career and my job situation, so I fulfill my emptiness with the most convenient thing - FOOD. Because I am chained to my desk for 8 hours, my freedom and activities are VERY limited, and it makes me feel trapped. So I eat my frustrations, which ironically, just creates more frustrations.

"Many people feel emotionally empty for one reason or another, and more often than not, food is the most convenient thing that comforts them."


Luckily I am working on a new career path, which will give me a lot more freedom and movement, which will remove me from cubicle life, and allow me to focus MORE on my CRAFT and LESS on EATING everything in sight.

Rule Number 1

Rule #1: Eating on the go or eating while standing causes you to forget what you are eating and how much you are eating. When eating meals and snacks, always sit down and eat them. 

making the Switch - Part 2

So a few other 'issues' of mine are LUNCH and DINNER. Breakfast is always a must, and any nutritionist will say so, but it packs on about 400 calories to my day.

Then comes lunchtime. I usually make pretty decent choices for lunch - most of the time it being a Subway 6 inch with baked lays. (Big issue is the chips, I know they're baked but they add 130 calories to my day, but I need something to munch on until my lunch break arrives. BOO) By lunchtime, without a workout in, I'm up to 800 or 900 calories, leaving me with only 300 calories left for dinner.

In reality, dinner is the biggest meal I make and has the highest calories, and 300 calories is just plain unrealistic. By the end of the day, if I've had a workout, my hunger has become a wild ravenous beast, and it needs the comfort of food... not a little 300 calorie snack. There's just no way I could eat 300 calories and be satisfied. Dinner is my favorite part of the evening, so something needed to change to allow this to still happen...

SWITCH #2 - Lunch

I will be attempting to go from eating a BIG lunch...

... to eating a bowl of cereal. {Kinda like the Special K diet}

Hopefully this low-calorie, mid-day switch will allow me more calories in the evening, which will keep me from going over my daily limit. This could be ESPECIALLY effective on days I am NOT working out. Those days are so hard to avoid eating over 1200 calories... are ya kidding me??

I'll let you guys know how this goes.

Goals for This Week

Okay, after the dieting disaster that was this weekend, I've decided to take this thing seriously. This week, I'm making some food and fitness goals for myself... thought that might be an easier way to stay on track.

Fitness Goals:

• Monday: Run 2.5 miles outside at lunch. 1 mile walk in the evening.

• Tuesday: GYM day: 35 minutes cardio and  25 minutes free weights.

• Wednesday: Run 2.5 miles outside at lunch.

• Thursday: GYM day: 35 minutes cardio and  25 minutes free weights.

• Friday: Rest.

• Saturday: Short run by the beach? Or a bike ride? Must do SOMETHING.

• Sunday: Rest.

FOOD Goals:

• No eating after 7:30 p.m.

• No snacks, unless it's a vegetable or fruit.

• Do NOT go over my calorie limit any day this week.

• Continue to make healthy choices. NO Sugar!!!

weekend recap

well, I'm a little ashamed to say that i completely forgot I was on a diet this weekend. Not just a little forgetfulness, I completely ignored ALL rules to my diet. It was terrible. There was wine, chips, chocolate, cheese, big meals, BBQ steak, sushi... 

ugh. 

I'm so sad right now. 

I even had the nerve to weigh myself this morning.

Not a single pound difference. I weigh the exact same as last week.

Which, in hindsight, is better than it could be I suppose. I didn't gain anything.

But I need to address the real issue here: 

I keep sabotaging my progress.

Why do I keep sabotaging my diet? Why can't I seem to care enough about this to avoid temptation and stick to my rules and guidelines? Why doesn't it matter as much as food?

I need to psych myself out again. Get myself pumped. I need to think about the end result every single time I put a greasy chip or delicious snack in my hand. Think about trying on jeans in a smaller size. Think about throwing out all the clothes that are "too big" to wear. Think about hearing people say "you've lost weight!" I need to think about the results. Because without the prize in sight, I'll keep going around and around this evil circle. 

What motivates you?

Two Steps Back

Today, I'm feeling a little disgruntled, frustrated and defeated. Though I know I will not give up, there just always seems to be a pothole in the road that you don't see, or you pretend you don't see.
Allow me to clarify: I got a new scale yesterday. I noticed on the F2F Challenge everyone was using nice digital scales, and I thought, hey, I should probably run with the pack on this one and ditch my ancient antique of a scale and get a digital one. My digital scale is really nice, and works great.

Almost too great, actually.

Turns out, my ancient scale was nicer to me than I thought. My ancient scale told me I was in between 174 - 176. {The red hand never really stopped shaking in between those numbers - as I said before: ancient scale} While my NEW scale tells me I am actually 177.2 -- lovely. A whole 2 pounds more than I thought I had to lose. At least I know the truth right?

So today, I am making adjustments to all my stats and buttons. Joy.

Making the Switch - Part 1

So throughout this blog, I will be posting about changes in my eating habits.
I have alot of daily eating rituals that I want to document and eventually change or eliminate. Documenting them on this blog will be a daily reminder of all the things I used to do that kept me from being the healthy person I wanted to be.

Switch #1: afternoon pick-me-up

OLD: Starbucks Iced Caramel Macchiato {nonfat}

270 calories

NEW: Starbucks Iced Passion tea, 1/2 the sweetner

80 calories

calories saved: 190

{that's equivalent to 17 minutes on the elliptical, in ONE drink!}

curry chicken salad

Last night, in an attempt to make a healthy but hearty lunch for myself, I decided to try making curry chicken salad... and boy was I successful!! -- Make it with light mayonnaise and throw it on top of some lettuce, and it's a pretty healthy lunch option...

{note: this is not my photo... but it looked this good!!}

Here's how I did it:

Ingredients:

1 package chicken breast strips - about 0.8 pounds

1 Gala Apple {substitute for celery - I'm not a fan of celery}

1/2 medium Red Onion {1/4 if you don't like that much onion}

1/3 Package Craisins {dried cranberries}

1/4 cup sliced almonds

2-3 heaping tablespoons of Light Mayonnaise

about 1 tbsp Curry Powder - to taste

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375°. Coat a glass baking dish {I used 8x8} with a little Olive Oil. Place chicken breast strips in baking dish and season with a little Olive Oil, salt and pepper, and a sprinkle of curry powder. Bake chicken for 25 minutes.

While chicken is baking, dice up the red onion and apple, throw into a large mixing bowl. Add Craisins and almonds. Once chicken is done and cooled a bit, dice the chicken into bite-sized cubes and throw into the mixing bowl. Add the mayo and curry powder and mix ingredients together with a large spoon. Serve on salad greens, or for a heartier meal on multigrain bread {that's how the boyfriend eats it}.

• • • • • • • •

Anyone else out there have some healthy recipes to share?

A good day

Yesterday was probably one of the better eating days I've had so far on this little journey. I ate a large breakfast, a healthy snack, and a healthy, filling lunch... followed by two workouts in one day!! {This is a rare occurrence people. Working out is one of the hardest things for me... i'm kinda lazy}

Yesterday after lunch, I went to the gym {at my work} for an hour, which included 30 minutes of cardio followed by some free weights and strength training.

THEN, after work I met up with one of my besties and we went for our "HILL WALK" -- which is more like a mountain, since you can see the top from the freeway, but it's paved, so we call it a hill. It takes us about 30 minutes to go up, and about 15 to come down... my legs were noodles, but it hurt so good.

Because of those 2 workouts, I went to bed last night still having 600+ calories remaining in my daily calories!! WOW... if only I could do this every day!

ME vs. The Cookie

I love anything sweet, sugary, chocolatey, buttery, or warm and gooey. Take a homemade chocolate chip cookie for example. My arch nemesis. Mr. Chocolate Chip Cookie has the whole package. He has all things I love. And I wouldn't even hesitate about shoving one, two, three maybe even four of those dang cookies in my mouth, until now. Now is the time... I must say goodbye.

There's only enough room in this town for one of us, Mr. Cookie...

And Mr. Cookie, well you're gonna have to skip town...

rule #1:

no more desserts.

{a tear dropped on my keyboard as i typed that}

but seriously. no more...

i am, however, allowing myself one bite of something lovely if it is a special occasion,

or if i manage to find a concoction that is sugar free... i'll allow it.

but the old gooey, sticky, sweet deliciousness that is my weakness?

gone.

{Mr. Cookie, you will be missed.}

The Revelation . . .

Here's a funny {and embarrassing} little story of how I realized I'd truly lost my fit/healthy self:

My boyfriend's uncle was in town and decided he wanted to take us out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Awesome. I loved this restaurant. The only problem? I wasn't informed of this outing until after I'd arrived at his house... in sweatpants.

After realizing we were leaving in about 20 minutes I made a mad dash to the local $25 and under clothing store. This quickly prompted a mini meltdown in the dressing room over NOTHING fitting me properly. I accepted my defeat and walked out empty-handed knowing I would have to go to the restaurant in sweats, and I really didn't want to do that.

Only trying to be helpful, my boyfriend then offers his jeans for me to wear. Under normal circumstances this would have been a cool idea. Optimistically, I thought, 'I could be the slender girlfriend wearing her boyfriend's baggy jeans and a cute fitted tee...'

But reality came and slapped me out of my daydream and right back into the real world. The idea of trying on my boyfriends jeans immediately turned into an internal panic attack, 'what if they don't even fit me? After all, I am the overweight girlfriend desperately attempting to conceal the knowledge that she weighs the SAME as her boyfriend and would absolutely DIE to have him realize his jeans don't fit her.'

We got back to his apartment and he draped some jeans out on the couch. I looked at them with an awkward look on my face that apparently read in his mind that they were ugly -- which in a way, I was trying to do. I thought, 'if I make it seem like I don't like the style, I won't have to try them on'. He then said the dreaded words, "those are the biggest ones I own."

Oh, really? The BIGGEST ones? Awesome. 

I know sometimes guys don't even realize the things they say have the sharpest thorns, but this one hit me dead in the stomach. Obviously the concealment of my size and weight has failed miserably. I have not fooled my boyfriend.... {Did I really think I WAS fooling him to begin with?}

I left my pride bleeding on the floor as we walked out the door towards the restaurant.

I wore sweatpants... and ordered a salad.

Hurdles and Measurements!

If you think I'm about to talk about that sport with fast runners and high jumpers in Track and Field that they show on the Olympics, think again. I'm talking about the Diet Olympics, and lets just say, I've got a ton of hurdles that I need training for... So, let's just focus on the BIG ones for now:

Whether I am on a diet or not I don't think 'making good choices' in food is my big issue. I can make good choices all day long... Which also means I could eat, all day long. I love to graze. I graze at my desk, at lunch, and at home. Its not enough that I'm making the right choices because I could be having an apple with peanut butter for a snack, but then I'll have carrots and hummus, then a few slices of cheese... adding that up, that would be a meal.

This is my biggest hurdle. GRAZING. 

Grazing is what sends me over my caloric limit each day, which is why I have been stuck at my current weight. The grazing needs to stop. I need to allow myself one snack in between meals, not six.

Another hurdle I have, which is probably my second biggest hurdle, is my weakness for sugar. I seriously LOVE chocolate and anything baked with sugar and butter. I have a very hard time resisting cookies, brownies, and candy in a lovely little dish. If i walk into a house with a candy dish on the coffee table it takes every ounce of strength not to bury my fingers in that bowl... which is embarrassing, but the truth.

So there... my two biggest hurdles to be conquered. Out in the open. I'm ready to be rid of them. You know what else I am ready to be rid of? INCHES. I'd like to get rid of these inches on my body. 

So, without further ado... here are my .... {deep breath}.... my MEASUREMENTS:

Height: 5'4"

Waist: 37"

Hips: 41.5"

Chest: 38"

Arms: 13"

Thighs: 21.5"

memories of a thinner time

Here's a little look into why I'm doing this...


Back in my college days, when I was at the tender age of 19, my family and I went to Hawaii for a week in the summertime. This was a little family tradition we had every summer. We went on a family vacation to Hawaii. When I was much younger, I absolutely loved going to Hawaii for so many reasons: the sun, being in a bathing suit 24/7, the warm ocean, and most importantly, the food. Growing up, eating was pretty much my favorite sport. I loved food, and going out to restaurants... which led me to my infamous chubbiness as a kid.

But by the time I was in college, unlike today, I had full control of my eating habits, and weighed 139 lbs --- i know right? I had a very strict exercise regime and a long list of foods that simply weren't allowed to be touched. These foods included anything fried or fatty, candy, chips, cheese, whole milk, soda, and desserts. Those were completely off limits. My diet was incredibly effective... especially the part where I was only eating about 1000 calories a day, and burning about 700 calories during workouts. {sheesh}

My last family vacation to Hawaii was a very memorable experience. It was the first Hawaii trip where food was NOT my main attraction. While everyone was eating eggs benedict, waffles & syrup, cheeseburgers, shrimp scampi, bread and butter, and macadamia-crusted mahi mahi, I was having a salad with chicken & light dressing, iced water, and bran muffins and fruit.
No fried stuff, no fattening stuff. I was also running on the beach every morning to burn off the healthy calories I was eating too.

On that week-long vacation to Hawaii, I LOST 5 pounds.
That's how disciplined I was.

I can't help but wonder now, what the heck happened to that healthy me? How did all of my rules and good eating habits fly right out the window? How on earth did I allow those 40 pounds I worked so hard to lose crawl right back on my body? 40 pounds. Wow... guess I didn't realize how much that really was until now.   : (


I guess I have to look at the small details. Because in the big picture, the grand scheme of things, I am still the same person I was back then. I guess I just cared more about what I shoved in my mouth and how hard I worked out. I cared so much that I gave up so many of my favorite things... and I was happy to get on the scale, and go shopping, and sit up straight on the beach... in a two piece... with people around!!! Where did I go? What event(s) led me to not care anymore?


I am finally coming to terms with many of my issues. I know why I'm not losing weight. I eat too much for my body size. I need to find that path back to my old self. The self that didn't flinch when there were chips and dip on the table, and just looking at fries with ranch made me sick. I need to find a way to become that girl again.


I guess understanding my problem is the first step to finding the old me. It's all about the babysteps...

Okay! Here goes nothin

so it finally happened. i started a fitness blog.

i've been contemplating this for some time now, but will admit that i was too chicken before. but it's time to get serious. i want to get back to the person i was a few years ago. a person who cared about fitness and health. a person with energy.... i'll also admit that the Flab to Fab challenge has inspired me.

Haven't heard of it?

check it out here.

it's been a long time coming. i've been trying to lose weight, but in all the wrong ways. i haven't cared enough, or had enough motivation to care. so maybe this will help.

your support is welcome. follow me if you'd like.

the more people who follow, the more likely i am to bust my butt.

so here we go.

: )