I've decided that it is finally time for a re-invention. I am going to change everything about me to be a little bit more ME... if that makes any sense.
You see, I've been dyeing my hair blonde when clearly I am anything but. My roots tell me so every 5 weeks... I also have been trying to dress a certain way and be a certain way, and at some point along the way I think I lost track of who I really am. So, I am going to try this again. I am going to have my hair dyed my natural color, and I'm going to let all the color grow out. I am going to embrace my ashy hair color and love it. {I am also going to love not having a hefty hair expense every other month}
All hair aside, I am also really going to try to drink much much less. One drink when I go out. I wan tto be less of a lush and more of a class act. I will volunteer to be the designated driver most times and learn to have fun just being myself... rather than under any inlfuences.
I am also going to continue my new fitness regime. I have been working out about 5 days a week and some of those days are double workouts. I can see the difference in the tone of my body already and it's been only 3 weeks. But really my main goal is to just treat my body with more respect. I just want to look healthy and fit... I will update my progress here as much as I can. Hopefully daily.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
a new beginning...
so, it's been two weeks since boyfriend and i broke up. i am hurting still, but it is for the best. the emotions will always be there, regardless of who initiated the end.
one good sign that is coming out of all of this is i am finding myself attracted to other people already. which makes me excited, and very very nervous. i am not yet physically ready to be single. i don't feel sexy or confident, and you kind of need those things to attract other people in my experience. i was lucky enough to find boyfriend even though i was nowhere near my goal weight. next time i will not let this happen. i need to feel comfortable in my own skin, and it starts now.
i will be working out at the gym 4-5 days a week... and hopefully someday when my finances are in better order, i will be joining Crossfit with my friends... i can't think of a better opportunity to get in shape and possibly meet new people in the process.
so here we go... 26 years old. single. and starting over.
one good sign that is coming out of all of this is i am finding myself attracted to other people already. which makes me excited, and very very nervous. i am not yet physically ready to be single. i don't feel sexy or confident, and you kind of need those things to attract other people in my experience. i was lucky enough to find boyfriend even though i was nowhere near my goal weight. next time i will not let this happen. i need to feel comfortable in my own skin, and it starts now.
i will be working out at the gym 4-5 days a week... and hopefully someday when my finances are in better order, i will be joining Crossfit with my friends... i can't think of a better opportunity to get in shape and possibly meet new people in the process.
so here we go... 26 years old. single. and starting over.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
the sick diet...
every time i get any type of stomach bug, i lose a ton of weight. i think because whenever my stomach doesn't feel right, i just refuse to put anything into it. and then i shrink....
two days ago i got a stomach ache, and have eaten very little the past few days. i didn't get sick ever, i just felt like i was going to get sick... so i got to thinking: what if i kept this up? what if i just kept eating like i had a stomach bug? perhaps this has some relevance in my dieting.
the problem is, once the stomach ache goes away, the hunger returns. and hunger changes everything. maybe if i get my stomach used to this little amount of food, i will get used to it, and the hunger won't be so bad.
a fun little experiment.
two days ago i got a stomach ache, and have eaten very little the past few days. i didn't get sick ever, i just felt like i was going to get sick... so i got to thinking: what if i kept this up? what if i just kept eating like i had a stomach bug? perhaps this has some relevance in my dieting.
the problem is, once the stomach ache goes away, the hunger returns. and hunger changes everything. maybe if i get my stomach used to this little amount of food, i will get used to it, and the hunger won't be so bad.
a fun little experiment.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Food log: 2/24/2011
Breakfast:
instant oatmeal: 14012 oz caramel macciato: 110
smarties: 75
lunch:
subway club w/ avocado and chipotle sauce: 480baked lays: 140
lunch workout: -325
total: 620
update: February 2011
i have nothing.
as usual.
and I'm sick of saying that... typing that... thinking that.
today i am going shopping for one pair of jeans... ina size 8, and by summertime, i will fit into them. this time i mean it. i have been telling myself that i'm trying, and i have been working out, but it's all been in my head. i'm not trying that hard. i still eat what i want in somewhat of a moderation, but i eat as much as a man which is why i weigh as much as a man.
today is the day i stop fooling myself into believing i am ok where i'm at. last night i broke down in front of my boyfriend. i hadn't done this in a while – not even when alone in my room on the scale, or in the shower. i hadn't had that moment of reality for months... even years. but last night i called myself disgusting, fat, blubbery, gross... all those names i used to call myself when i was 160 lbs in high school. last night was a terrible breakdown, but the positive i can get out of it is that i quit accepting my weight and my looks and decided i wasn't where i wanted to be. i want to be a size 8 again... that's only 2 sizes smaller than now. it's about 20 lbs. that would be a tremendous start.
so, after my first breakdown in years, i'm on my way.... on my way to a size 8 and being proud of the way i look.
I'm serious this time.
as usual.
and I'm sick of saying that... typing that... thinking that.
today i am going shopping for one pair of jeans... ina size 8, and by summertime, i will fit into them. this time i mean it. i have been telling myself that i'm trying, and i have been working out, but it's all been in my head. i'm not trying that hard. i still eat what i want in somewhat of a moderation, but i eat as much as a man which is why i weigh as much as a man.
today is the day i stop fooling myself into believing i am ok where i'm at. last night i broke down in front of my boyfriend. i hadn't done this in a while – not even when alone in my room on the scale, or in the shower. i hadn't had that moment of reality for months... even years. but last night i called myself disgusting, fat, blubbery, gross... all those names i used to call myself when i was 160 lbs in high school. last night was a terrible breakdown, but the positive i can get out of it is that i quit accepting my weight and my looks and decided i wasn't where i wanted to be. i want to be a size 8 again... that's only 2 sizes smaller than now. it's about 20 lbs. that would be a tremendous start.
so, after my first breakdown in years, i'm on my way.... on my way to a size 8 and being proud of the way i look.
I'm serious this time.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Just a journal entry...
although i haven't lost any weight yet, i am starting to see a difference in my daily habits, which is a sign that my motivation is slowly making a return.
i have stopped srinking diet soda, and started drinks a TON of water - for me. i am drinking about 50 - 60 ounces of water a day {about 3 regular bottles}. to some people, that is nothing. to me, that is a huge milestone. drinking water has always been hard for me, but when i think about the benefits of your organs being hydrated, as well as your skin feeling more supple, and having more energy for workouts, i think the water switch is making a difference. sure i'll have soda here and there, but now it's a treat, not a staple.
i still need to work on the wholewrking out thing. i work out here and there, but its very sporratic. i haven't fallen into a good routine yet. i'm hoping once this horrible allergy flare up, and me having the stomach flue is over, i can get back in the gym and stick to a workout plan.
i need to stop snacking. i started tracking my daily food intake again, and this time i'm being honest. this is also a step for me... since i used to leave out the pack of smarties or handful of cashews i ate in the afternoon. those calories add up to a meal if you eat without thinking. it's only been a few days, and i have still had a few packs of smarties, but i'm getting better, and i'm tracking everything. i plan to get better and better each week.
i keep thinking about my friend Rebecca. she's super thin andin shape, and shes had a baby. because of her knees, she can only walk, yet she still manages to stay in shape. i want to keep this in mind while i'm working out. as long as i eat like i'm not working out, i can do less strenuous excercises and still be successful. i just have to keep my eye on my plate and make sure i don't go over my calories. it's a lot harder to achieve without workouts, but i know i can do it.
that's all for now. just a random journal entry.
i have stopped srinking diet soda, and started drinks a TON of water - for me. i am drinking about 50 - 60 ounces of water a day {about 3 regular bottles}. to some people, that is nothing. to me, that is a huge milestone. drinking water has always been hard for me, but when i think about the benefits of your organs being hydrated, as well as your skin feeling more supple, and having more energy for workouts, i think the water switch is making a difference. sure i'll have soda here and there, but now it's a treat, not a staple.
i still need to work on the wholewrking out thing. i work out here and there, but its very sporratic. i haven't fallen into a good routine yet. i'm hoping once this horrible allergy flare up, and me having the stomach flue is over, i can get back in the gym and stick to a workout plan.
i need to stop snacking. i started tracking my daily food intake again, and this time i'm being honest. this is also a step for me... since i used to leave out the pack of smarties or handful of cashews i ate in the afternoon. those calories add up to a meal if you eat without thinking. it's only been a few days, and i have still had a few packs of smarties, but i'm getting better, and i'm tracking everything. i plan to get better and better each week.
i keep thinking about my friend Rebecca. she's super thin andin shape, and shes had a baby. because of her knees, she can only walk, yet she still manages to stay in shape. i want to keep this in mind while i'm working out. as long as i eat like i'm not working out, i can do less strenuous excercises and still be successful. i just have to keep my eye on my plate and make sure i don't go over my calories. it's a lot harder to achieve without workouts, but i know i can do it.
that's all for now. just a random journal entry.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I feel horrible right now...
I have completely failed myself.
I have gained 10 pounds in the last year, and I am completely ashamed of myself. I know what my problem is, I eat too much. By why? WHY? Why do I feel this constant urge to eat like a starving animal? Whenever I look at my skinny friends who so often skip meals or pass up a plate of french fries, I ask myself, "why am I not like that? Why don't I have this careless relationship with meals? Why can't I stop worrying about food like them?"
I have some major habits to break. I am working on them. But I just worry that this struggle with food is going to be a lifelong issue I won't be able to completely shake. Ignorance is one of my major issues with diets. I ignore the little things I eat that add up to majpr calories at the end of the day... and that is how I got to this weight.
Ignorance is NOT bliss.
I have gained 10 pounds in the last year, and I am completely ashamed of myself. I know what my problem is, I eat too much. By why? WHY? Why do I feel this constant urge to eat like a starving animal? Whenever I look at my skinny friends who so often skip meals or pass up a plate of french fries, I ask myself, "why am I not like that? Why don't I have this careless relationship with meals? Why can't I stop worrying about food like them?"
I have some major habits to break. I am working on them. But I just worry that this struggle with food is going to be a lifelong issue I won't be able to completely shake. Ignorance is one of my major issues with diets. I ignore the little things I eat that add up to majpr calories at the end of the day... and that is how I got to this weight.
Ignorance is NOT bliss.
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